I’ve figured out what I want … that is to say, I’ve admitted it to myself. Phew. It isn’t something I’m super proud of but it feels true and, despite my conflicted feelings about whether or not I *should* want it, it resonates on the deepest level.
I also know that I’m unlikely to get what I want. That’s the joy of wanting things that involve other people … they’re messy and things don’t always, or even often, turn out the way one might hope. That’s part of the feeling behind knowing I ‘shouldn’t’ want this.
I do though. I absolutely do. I’ve spent all weekend sitting with these feelings and processing through them. I’m letting go of the “shoulds” and I’m letting go of worrying about what she is going to say – it won’t be supportive, I know that. That’s one of the hardest things to come to terms with.
She worries for me. She doesn’t want to see me get hurt and going after what I truly want means allowing myself to be vulnerable to you. She understands though and that means so very much to me. She’s been there. She knows.
I’m a bit anxious, more than a bit honestly, about how you will react to this. The processing I’ve done this weekend has centered around letting go of any expectations one way or the other. I can’t control anyone but me. I know what I want. I want it, even if you’re against it now. It would mean so much to me if you supported this and I’ll be ok if you don’t. I know that – whatever feels and judgies this will bring up for you – it was what you wanted before you went tits up and any objections you have at this point are around the discomfort you’re likely to feel and the work we’ll have to do together.
He’s likely to feel a bit blindsided by this. I’m not entirely sure what’s going on with him, apart from his own sitting with challenging shit and working through the road bumps of this so-called life. If we’d been together as planned last night, both of us would’ve avoided dealing with this decision for awhile. The avoidance game is so tempting sometimes, especially around the deep feels – especially around owning where things are with you. It’ll be good growth for both of us, though he’s less likely to see it through that lens initially.
She’s going to be MAD. She may cut me off entirely. She’s most of the way there already. I hope that isn’t how this works out. I hope she can hear me.
She’s going to be thrilled. I’m a little annoyed that she’s had any kind of influence – and I’m really annoyed that she might have been right cuz she was SUCH a jerk about it. Grumble.
For those of you following along at home —> there are multiple hes and shes involved here, in case that wasn’t clear. There’s only one you … even if you’re so many different people and things lately.
I love you. I know what I want. Your death doesn’t mean my desires shall go unfulfilled. Oddly enough, even with the worry over how you’ll react, I know that this is what you want for me. When all is said and done – this is what both of us wanted and, now that I’m able to see it, it’s what I still want.
My hand is out to you. I can feel your fingers curling around mine. I can feel the squeeze you give them. It doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things if those are phantom fingers and squeezes. They’re there. I can see you. I SEE YOU.