I am who I am who I am … but who am I?

I’ve written quite a few love letters of late but this one is different. How does one go about writing a love letter to oneself? I’m chaffing against this request and pouting and grumbling and employing all manner of immature procrastination tactics.

Having compassion for myself – admitting that I’m a “mere” human and that’s ok – is incredibly painful. It feels like admitting to failure.

Partly I think that’s because I have this idea that if I can just pour my heart out sufficiently, if I can just make him see the error of his ways, he’ll redeem himself (and grovel obsequiously) and it feels like this is the point where I have to let go of that fantasy. I have to come to terms with the fact that he may never figure out that he’s on the wrong side of this. And the solace of knowing that I’m right is pretty damn lonely.

God, I’m so sick of being lonely. I learned a long time ago how to be alone and, as someone who tends toward introversion, I’m often quite content in that state. But a few months ago I bought a dream that turned out to be false and I want my money back. I want to return this bleak hurt broken shell and get back the old me. It’s great to have been strong and resilient and whatnot through this whole mess of a shitstorm that has been my life since May or so … but I’m fucking exhausted.

Maybe that’s the point here. It’s ok to be tired. It’s ok to want to stop struggling. It’s ok.

I dropped a class this week and expected that to hurt more than it did. My plans aren’t really derailed, they’re just edited. I’ve been giving some advice about self-care and trying to take deep breaths and maybe implement some of those same strategies for myself.

For all that I’ve been screaming into the void a lot of late, things are starting to go right. There are bumps in the road, for sure, but things are moving more consistently in the positive / forward direction. As with so many things, positive energy is a spiral and it builds as you open yourself to it and allow it in. Being open means other things get in too but I’ve been living in that fear for far too long.

They say once bitten, twice shy and it strikes me that there’s a piece missing. Once bitten, twice shy implies that you won’t go after a thing again cuz you got hurt – but you will. I WILL. Not right away and not in the same way. The lesson of the bite will imprint and the scar will linger long after the pain subsides – but I don’t dislike dogs because I got bitten in a gnarly way once and I know that I will love again. Hell, I already do – even if it isn’t romantic love. Considering the household in which I grew up, the fact that I can love at all is pretty damn impressive.

I am so fortunate to have the friends that I have. I don’t always do a good job of maintaining those relationships but somehow I have connected with my people over and over throughout my life. I have a new friendship developing that is looking like it’ll be one for the ages. From inside the hurricane that is my life of late I have reached out and leaned on my friends in ways I never have before and I have tested the friendship of a number of potentials that didn’t come up to snuff –> but overall I am so pleased with my core tribe.

I’m not an easy person to get close to and I have incredible people in my life that have refused to allow me to push them away when things get dark.

I really like the person I’m becoming. I’ve liked myself more and more for the past few years. I’m working dilligently to be more conscious of the things I’m not pleased with about myself so that I can replace them constructively. It’s a slow process and very 3 steps forward, 2 steps back … and sometimes 5 steps back, or 29 … but it’s happening.

I’m living more and more in my true self and the fact that I can do that – that I can even get in touch with those long hidden and repressed parts of me, and that they have been so eager to be reintroduced, fills me with warm fuzzies.

I have a damn fine ass, great tits, a sweet hot tight lil cunt, gorgeous hands and feet, lustrous hair, smooth skin, and dimples in my smile. My body and I haven’t always gotten along but we’ve been on better and better terms as I move through my leather journey. I can take a lot and I heal quickly. I never understood people who cut themselves until I found kink. I don’t cut myself now – to be clear – but I absolutely understand how freeing it can be to have a physical manifestation of the inner pain and turmoil and how fantastic is is to let that pain go. I am a masochist and it is so wonderful.

My primal is coming closer and closer to the surface. Not my playful cheetah self. My deep dark dwelling beast self. The part of me that scares me a little. The part I kinda don’t even want to admit exists and yet the part of me I am actively calling to. In some ways it feels like a guardian. I don’t know its shape. I don’t know its name. I’ve tried my whole life to pretend she wasn’t there. I stuffed her in an oubliette and hid from her in the sunshine. She forgives but she doesn’t forget. I called her under the new moon and she is coming.

I’m also identifying more and more as an elemental. When I was younger, I was always drawn to elemental magic stories. There is something so pure and real about working directly with the elements. I’ve always thought I would be a water elemental. I’m a Pisces and just assumed that since I resonated with the two fishies striving against each other, the mutable nature, that it was my element. I recently learned that my Chinese astrology chart has a lot of metal in it. My primal is tied to the earth and in chinese five element theory earth gives rise to metal which in turn gives rise to water, so the three pieces of my astrological nature flow together so nicely … and yet. That’s not my element.

I am the lightning. Much like the deeper primal, that knowledge scares me a bit but it is also so affirming. I am born as a result of systems trying to balance disparate charges. I’m quick. I light up the dark places and reveal the things evil would like to keep hidden. I create and destroy. I burn. I purify.

My feet are firmly on my path. It winds and there is more backtracking than I’d like. But I’m still moving. I’ll keep moving. I’m also going to curl up into a ball and cry sometimes. That doesn’t mean I’ve lost sight of my path or myself. It’s just an acknowledgement that sometimes this shit is too hard and I need to take a break.

Hot, Wet, and Deep

I played with someone new last week and the first time was hot AF. There was some incredible respect shown for our defined boundaries and that was the sexiest thing that has happened to me in awhile. I came twice during our first scene and would gladly have kept going, and kept cumming, if my partner’s hand hadn’t gone numb from the phenomenal open hand sensation play we were engaging in. Since I was at a party with many friends to ensure my safety and since my partner was so clearly intent on finding the best scene we could create within the parameters we established together, I went deep. Deliriously deep. Had a hard time walking to the car deep. Giggled for hours at just about everything deep. My body was still zinging with pleasure two days later when he checked in deep.

The second time we played, we both had a better sense of what we were getting into and I was wet before he ordered me to take my panties off. I was wet as soon as we started negotiating. The glee in my partner’s face when I told him I’d brought toys and the fun we had going through my bag. The saucy way he revealed the belt he’d worn since he didn’t have “real toys” to bring. More sexy boundary respect. I went into headspace almost immediately. I came three times. We broke two of the toys. We laughed a LOT. I called him an asshole and meant it in the best possible way. He’s discovering just how fantastic it is to be in touch with his inner sadist. I flipped him off and he hurt me harder. He said afterward how awesome it was that I was obviously instantly ready with anticipation cuz he could smell me as soon as he stood over me. Hotness achievement UNLOCKED.

It was so enjoyable that we played again about an hour later. I was high for days. I get wet thinking about it and the spank bank is filling up nicely with ideas. The feel of him as he rubbed his face and chest all over my back to switch up the sensations. The smell of him as we cuddled afterward. The pure, raw, primal energy that we created. I want to meet his beast. Mine is already trying to claw her way out to say hello.

I almost bit him while nuzzling into his chest but we hadn’t talked about it, consent is a thing, and my integrity wouldn’t let me do it. It was so instinctual that my mouth was open before I caught myself – but I DID catch myself because I wanted to honour the play and the boundaries we’d set up together. That moment led to a conversation about a mutual love of biting and it’s even fucking sexier that we have so much more to explore the next time we play together.

Even better – the joy I found in the catharsis was so empowering and it has helped me set up three play dates with people I’ve been flirting with for AGES. People with excellent boundaries. People with gorgeous integrity. People who truly respect autonomy. Perhaps most importantly, people who honour play as PLAY.

This will be my first Folsom weekend and I’m going to ROCK the FUCK out of it. Huzzah!

Mighty

Parse

God, I want some of that. So so so much do I want it. Maybe that’s the answer I’ve been looking for.

I can’t say I’m surprised… I can’t even say I’m disappointed – as that would imply there were expectations to the contrary – but it still fucking sucks.

I’m still reeling from the shock of it – even though we spoke hours ago. Am I really that naive? Is it really obvious to everyone else? I thought for sure you were in my corner and tonight you seemed shocked that I was getting ready for another round. I’m like the guy in that Cake song –

As they speed through the finish, the flags go down
The fans get up and they get out of town
The arena is empty except for one man
Still driving and striving as fast as he can

Am I so focused on how it SHOULD be that I’ve completely lost touch with how it is?

Also – what the fuck is with this double standard shit? Best case scenario you and I received different information because what I was told was a way to save face and feed me a line I’d accept. What the fuck is wrong with our society that such a thing is deemed so commonplace that it made sense to spoon feed it to me? It rang false when I heard it and it’s aggravating as fuck to have that sour note confirmed as the bullshit it appeared to be.

I’m still trying to unclench my gut from the punch you delivered this morning. I want so so so much to pick apart your words for the layers of meaning. Ok, that’s not true. I’ve done it already – there is no “wanting” about it. I did it about two seconds after I absorbed the words. There is a very clear and obvious possibility in those words … but so the fuck what? It doesn’t even matter if I’m wrong or right about it.

This is so unfair. Sure, life isn’t fair – blah blah blah – but THIS … this goes beyond the general chaos that humans try to impose meaning on. The pain of it is overwhelming sometimes but I suppose that doesn’t matter either.

Ignore it all you like. Ignore ME all you like. Pretending I’m not there won’t make me go away. It won’t make me any less of a presence. I see you. More and more, I see YOU.

ALL of you.

I love you. I’m holding out my hand to you. Pretending you can’t see it there doesn’t make it any less real.

Using my powers for good

One of the benefits of being an acupuncture student is that I get to try out the different points we’re learning on myself when certain things come up. That said, it’s something I don’t often think to do for myself. Mostly I find myself having to explain why I can’t needle others.

I haven’t been sleeping too well … and there are myriad causes for that. My moon cycle has been all over the place for the past few months, likely the result of a new medication, and it just started (again 🙄) on Saturday.

Last night and this morning I got maybe five hours of sleep and have been getting two to four nightly for the past week or so. Plus I woke up to a heavy flow and cramps. Ugh. However! Today I remembered that I had a few needles at home, as well as my trusty play piercing sharps container. So I poked myself six times and just finished cooking.

The cramps are much alleviated and hopefully the deficiency heat in my system has cooled a bit, maybe even enough for me to sleep tonight! I’m so relaxed and so much more ready to face what the day holds. It should all be good stuff, but there’s likely to be some hard stuff in there as well (and, alas, not fun hardness) so I’m glad for the boost to my batteries!

 

You make it HURT so GOOD

We broke TWO toys last night. That is to say – my ASS broke two toys last night. I’ve never been more proud 😍 A friend created a new fetish on FetLife to mark the occasion (seeing as two weeks ago someone broke a blood vessel in their hand smacking her ass). We are the fucking BOSS BOTTOM BITCHES.

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It’s been twelve hours and I’m still high AF! I slept maybe two hours last night cuz my body is still zinging with sensation. Holy wow. Two scenes with the same player, marking our 2nd and 3rd scenes respectively. It’s just so incredible to meet someone that you can play with intuitively so quickly. This person is great at respecting boundaries – which is just the fucking icing on the mostest deliciousest cake. There were a few times that I nearly broke my OWN boundaries, the energy flow between us was so intense, but I managed to contain myself somehow, someway. There’s always next time, right?

God – it is time for next time yet?!?

Sting

What do I even want?

I saw this meme today and, sigh, thought of you. I sigh because I kinda want to write “obviously” or “of course” because I know, deep in my heart, that I still want you –> that I haven’t given up. I finally broke the radio silence today but you, of course, didn’t respond. I don’t expect you to and part of me withers and dies knowing that.

I told a funny story about you today, to someone who knows you well. This person smiled and laughed along with me, contributing bits, and validated my understanding of who you are. I didn’t even realise I needed that until I got it … probably because who you are is the biggest question my soul grapples with in the struggle to decide what, if anything, I want from you.

There’s still a part of me that wants to go backwards. We had it so good there for a bit and I want that back. I want the easy, fun stuff. It’s a small part of me but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t there.

There’s a part of me that wants you now – the you that you are now, even knowing that you’re not who I thought you were. Maybe love doesn’t conquer all but we’re stronger than this – we can work through this!

Then again, that doesn’t mean anything if I’m the only one that wants to do the work. You won’t even talk to me so I can’t possibly know what you want or where you stand… well, I can’t know apart from knowing that you don’t (won’t? can’t?) stand with me.

God, that hurts. It hurts so much that part of me just wants to write you off and get on with it already.  Is that what you’d prefer? People keep telling me that you’re probably under some kind of gag order where I’m concerned and I guess that’s supposed to make me feel better but it really doesn’t. Whatever the reason, you’ve cut me off entirely.

Recently you seemed surprised when we connected and I just wanted to scream. Of COURSE we connect! This thing between us wasn’t (isn’t?) casual. I don’t love lightly and I LOVE YOU. Present tense. It sucks – and oh do I wish I could change it sometimes – but it’s my truth.

You have a piece of my soul. It’s yours to do with as you see fit. No take backsies. Even if that means you toss it on the rubbish heap.

I’ve kept going. I’m getting better. I played this week and finally managed to go deep again. That hasn’t happened since, well, you know. It was good to recapture that for myself. I’ve got so many exciting things on the horizon and that helps keep my head up and my feet moving along this path. I still want you to walk beside me. I still want to lean on you now and then. I still want you to lean on me. I still want all of the things you are to be in my life. I don’t know how that will be possible and I’m guessing that I’ll never have YOU again, even if we’re forced to interact by basic proximity.

I’m sorry. I’m holding out my hand. I love you.