I dreamt about you again last night. These days you’re in my dreams more often than not and it’s an odd sensation. I don’t usually remember my dreams and rarely dream about people I actually know in “real life” but you keep invading my psyche.
My mind and my heart can’t process your absence … my soul is bereft. I keep thinking of water metaphors to describe the sensations of grief and maybe all that water on the brain is why I keep crying. Someone mentioned you to me in passing today and … ugh, I’d been holding up so well but once again I fell apart. Each time the pieces of me come back together they try to repair the hole you left but they don’t fit together properly anymore. It’s not really surprising, considering. I didn’t know you long before you were gone but our souls intertwined themselves almost from the get go.
My dreams aren’t all that interesting but they’re everything to me because we’re together. Sometimes we’re cuddling. Sometimes we’re talking and laughing. Sometimes we’re sparring with vim and vigor. Sometimes we’re singing along to a song I haven’t heard in ages, a song that no one has ever recognised when I’ve quoted it, a song that you just happen to have in rotation. Always though, we’re together.
Sometimes my dreams take an idyllic bent. You always felt like home to me and in some dreams I draw strength from you and you from me and together we craft the world we want to live in. Combined, supporting each other, we can move mountains. We draw power from our separate lives and explore wildly knowing we have somewhere safe to return to.
Life goes on. We forge ahead. School has started again and that’s been fun. I’m a titleholder now. I went to my first board meeting today and you would have cracked up at the stories I told about that experience. I’m re-growing my skin, though that is an excruciatingly slow process. I had a yummy strawberry IPA that I wanted to share with you. A friend gave me a rock to hold when I need to remind myself to listen and I think you’d be proud of how I’m learning to use it. I’m topping more and more these days and might even be willing to admit that you were right about the direction in which my path is leading me. I understand more and more what you meant about that one “friend” of mine. I hear your voice in my head when I speak about certain topics – hell, I plagiarise the fuck out of your speeches. I still want to punch you in the face 😉
I love you. I don’t know where you are or what you’re doing. It doesn’t really matter. I’ve lost you.
I’m still holding out my hand.