What do I even want?

I saw this meme today and, sigh, thought of you. I sigh because I kinda want to write “obviously” or “of course” because I know, deep in my heart, that I still want you –> that I haven’t given up. I finally broke the radio silence today but you, of course, didn’t respond. I don’t expect you to and part of me withers and dies knowing that.

I told a funny story about you today, to someone who knows you well. This person smiled and laughed along with me, contributing bits, and validated my understanding of who you are. I didn’t even realise I needed that until I got it … probably because who you are is the biggest question my soul grapples with in the struggle to decide what, if anything, I want from you.

There’s still a part of me that wants to go backwards. We had it so good there for a bit and I want that back. I want the easy, fun stuff. It’s a small part of me but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t there.

There’s a part of me that wants you now – the you that you are now, even knowing that you’re not who I thought you were. Maybe love doesn’t conquer all but we’re stronger than this – we can work through this!

Then again, that doesn’t mean anything if I’m the only one that wants to do the work. You won’t even talk to me so I can’t possibly know what you want or where you stand… well, I can’t know apart from knowing that you don’t (won’t? can’t?) stand with me.

God, that hurts. It hurts so much that part of me just wants to write you off and get on with it already.  Is that what you’d prefer? People keep telling me that you’re probably under some kind of gag order where I’m concerned and I guess that’s supposed to make me feel better but it really doesn’t. Whatever the reason, you’ve cut me off entirely.

Recently you seemed surprised when we connected and I just wanted to scream. Of COURSE we connect! This thing between us wasn’t (isn’t?) casual. I don’t love lightly and I LOVE YOU. Present tense. It sucks – and oh do I wish I could change it sometimes – but it’s my truth.

You have a piece of my soul. It’s yours to do with as you see fit. No take backsies. Even if that means you toss it on the rubbish heap.

I’ve kept going. I’m getting better. I played this week and finally managed to go deep again. That hasn’t happened since, well, you know. It was good to recapture that for myself. I’ve got so many exciting things on the horizon and that helps keep my head up and my feet moving along this path. I still want you to walk beside me. I still want to lean on you now and then. I still want you to lean on me. I still want all of the things you are to be in my life. I don’t know how that will be possible and I’m guessing that I’ll never have YOU again, even if we’re forced to interact by basic proximity.

I’m sorry. I’m holding out my hand. I love you.

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