“Oh. You’re THAT Jeni.”
Yup. I am indeed, even though I strongly suspect that whatever you’ve heard to turn me into “THAT Jeni” in your mental catalogue doesn’t remotely approach the whole picture and it certainly isn’t likely to be an accurate portrait of me as a person.
It is what it is though. There’s a part of me that wishes forlornly for a time when I’ll no longer be in danger of being “THAT Jeni” but it’s a small part. Our history is part of who we are and this particular bit of history has had so much influence on who I am now that I can no longer imagine myself without it.
Which sucks. I can no longer remember the pre-trauma Jeni. I suppose I should be specific and say the pre-this-trauma Jeni. Ugh.
Someone posted a meme today that when faced with any obstacle, one can choose growth or one can choose safety — as though those are the only two options or as though the choice is always in the hands of the person facing the obstacle. I’m all for taking accountability for my choices but what is someone who has had their autonomy and their agency stolen from them supposed to do with that lil pearl of wisdom? Be grateful for the growth opportunity? Fuck that.
Fuck also the people who have all along been more concerned with mitigating the impact my presence might have on the perpetrators’ ability to continue blithely sailing through life than on the grievous harm those perpetrators caused — and not just to me, as it seems a vain hope that injury to “just” one person would be sufficient cause for people to re-examine these assholes and their place in our community.
For the record – I’m not remotely interested in hearing from ANYONE what good guys these perpetrators are in their other dealings. I will never be friends with them. Stop trying to make that happen.