God, I want some of that. So so so much do I want it. Maybe that’s the answer I’ve been looking for.

I can’t say I’m surprised… I can’t even say I’m disappointed – as that would imply there were expectations to the contrary – but it still fucking sucks.

I’m still reeling from the shock of it – even though we spoke hours ago. Am I really that naive? Is it really obvious to everyone else? I thought for sure you were in my corner and tonight you seemed shocked that I was getting ready for another round. I’m like the guy in that Cake song –

As they speed through the finish, the flags go down
The fans get up and they get out of town
The arena is empty except for one man
Still driving and striving as fast as he can

Am I so focused on how it SHOULD be that I’ve completely lost touch with how it is?

Also – what the fuck is with this double standard shit? Best case scenario you and I received different information because what I was told was a way to save face and feed me a line I’d accept. What the fuck is wrong with our society that such a thing is deemed so commonplace that it made sense to spoon feed it to me? It rang false when I heard it and it’s aggravating as fuck to have that sour note confirmed as the bullshit it appeared to be.

I’m still trying to unclench my gut from the punch you delivered this morning. I want so so so much to pick apart your words for the layers of meaning. Ok, that’s not true. I’ve done it already – there is no “wanting” about it. I did it about two seconds after I absorbed the words. There is a very clear and obvious possibility in those words … but so the fuck what? It doesn’t even matter if I’m wrong or right about it.

This is so unfair. Sure, life isn’t fair – blah blah blah – but THIS … this goes beyond the general chaos that humans try to impose meaning on. The pain of it is overwhelming sometimes but I suppose that doesn’t matter either.

Ignore it all you like. Ignore ME all you like. Pretending I’m not there won’t make me go away. It won’t make me any less of a presence. I see you. More and more, I see YOU.

ALL of you.

I love you. I’m holding out my hand to you. Pretending you can’t see it there doesn’t make it any less real.

Using my powers for good

One of the benefits of being an acupuncture student is that I get to try out the different points we’re learning on myself when certain things come up. That said, it’s something I don’t often think to do for myself. Mostly I find myself having to explain why I can’t needle others.

I haven’t been sleeping too well … and there are myriad causes for that. My moon cycle has been all over the place for the past few months, likely the result of a new medication, and it just started (again 🙄) on Saturday.

Last night and this morning I got maybe five hours of sleep and have been getting two to four nightly for the past week or so. Plus I woke up to a heavy flow and cramps. Ugh. However! Today I remembered that I had a few needles at home, as well as my trusty play piercing sharps container. So I poked myself six times and just finished cooking.

The cramps are much alleviated and hopefully the deficiency heat in my system has cooled a bit, maybe even enough for me to sleep tonight! I’m so relaxed and so much more ready to face what the day holds. It should all be good stuff, but there’s likely to be some hard stuff in there as well (and, alas, not fun hardness) so I’m glad for the boost to my batteries!


You make it HURT so GOOD

We broke TWO toys last night. That is to say – my ASS broke two toys last night. I’ve never been more proud 😍 A friend created a new fetish on FetLife to mark the occasion (seeing as two weeks ago someone broke a blood vessel in their hand smacking her ass). We are the fucking BOSS BOTTOM BITCHES.


It’s been twelve hours and I’m still high AF! I slept maybe two hours last night cuz my body is still zinging with sensation. Holy wow. Two scenes with the same player, marking our 2nd and 3rd scenes respectively. It’s just so incredible to meet someone that you can play with intuitively so quickly. This person is great at respecting boundaries – which is just the fucking icing on the mostest deliciousest cake. There were a few times that I nearly broke my OWN boundaries, the energy flow between us was so intense, but I managed to contain myself somehow, someway. There’s always next time, right?

God – it is time for next time yet?!?


What do I even want?

I saw this meme today and, sigh, thought of you. I sigh because I kinda want to write “obviously” or “of course” because I know, deep in my heart, that I still want you –> that I haven’t given up. I finally broke the radio silence today but you, of course, didn’t respond. I don’t expect you to and part of me withers and dies knowing that.

I told a funny story about you today, to someone who knows you well. This person smiled and laughed along with me, contributing bits, and validated my understanding of who you are. I didn’t even realise I needed that until I got it … probably because who you are is the biggest question my soul grapples with in the struggle to decide what, if anything, I want from you.

There’s still a part of me that wants to go backwards. We had it so good there for a bit and I want that back. I want the easy, fun stuff. It’s a small part of me but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t there.

There’s a part of me that wants you now – the you that you are now, even knowing that you’re not who I thought you were. Maybe love doesn’t conquer all but we’re stronger than this – we can work through this!

Then again, that doesn’t mean anything if I’m the only one that wants to do the work. You won’t even talk to me so I can’t possibly know what you want or where you stand… well, I can’t know apart from knowing that you don’t (won’t? can’t?) stand with me.

God, that hurts. It hurts so much that part of me just wants to write you off and get on with it already.  Is that what you’d prefer? People keep telling me that you’re probably under some kind of gag order where I’m concerned and I guess that’s supposed to make me feel better but it really doesn’t. Whatever the reason, you’ve cut me off entirely.

Recently you seemed surprised when we connected and I just wanted to scream. Of COURSE we connect! This thing between us wasn’t (isn’t?) casual. I don’t love lightly and I LOVE YOU. Present tense. It sucks – and oh do I wish I could change it sometimes – but it’s my truth.

You have a piece of my soul. It’s yours to do with as you see fit. No take backsies. Even if that means you toss it on the rubbish heap.

I’ve kept going. I’m getting better. I played this week and finally managed to go deep again. That hasn’t happened since, well, you know. It was good to recapture that for myself. I’ve got so many exciting things on the horizon and that helps keep my head up and my feet moving along this path. I still want you to walk beside me. I still want to lean on you now and then. I still want you to lean on me. I still want all of the things you are to be in my life. I don’t know how that will be possible and I’m guessing that I’ll never have YOU again, even if we’re forced to interact by basic proximity.

I’m sorry. I’m holding out my hand. I love you.


So I love this sentiment and there’s definitely a part of me that resonates with it but for the rest of me … it’s just too pretty. There’s no acknowledgement of the dark parts of your nature that the monsters are responding to when they bow, the things that my darkness is fleeing when you chase it away.

You say that you are the light but we both know how you crave the dark. So much of your identity is wrapped up in nostalgia for your goth punk rebellion days. Does it hurt when you realise you’re not that kid anymore? Is that why you cradle it so closely to your ego, whispering sweet nothings?

You definitely have velvet rose petal lips. I’m always amazed at their softness, especially knowing the energy and force of what is contained within. I drank deeply of their nectar, heady with love for you, before I realised you’d wrapped me in your vines. Your siren’s song lulled me to sleep … and I awoke in a different landscape. The smooth vines suddenly dark and covered in thorns, constricting ever tighter around my throat and my heart.

I didn’t want to extricate myself. I sometimes still regret having done so. Maybe if I’d stayed, if I’d found a way to keep breathing, you’d have taken me back to the place of love and comfort. Maybe I wouldn’t be wandering lost in this bleak desert.

I’ll need to find water soon. The past few pools have been brackish and left me worse than before I tried to drink. I no longer move toward the mirage of oases.

Step by slow step I trudge onward, yet somehow keep circling back to the remembered promise of your vines. Some of the scratches you left have started to heal but there are a few, the ones closest to my heart, that can’t seem to stop bleeding. Is it weird that I want to wrap myself in them again? Maybe next time the cuts will be such that the pain will flow outward instead of inward. Maybe next time I fall asleep wrapped in you, I’ll awaken refreshed and renewed.

It’s unlikely but I’m reaching my hand out toward you just the same.



I’m feeling a bit rambunctious today. There are so many things that I “have” to do these days, what with school and life and whatnot, that part of me relishes the idea of mini rebellions. I can’t act out too terribly in class but I for sure can drag my heels, kick, scream, throw a tantrum, etc in other areas.

Most of my naughtiness is playful and not intended to harm. I want to revel and I want others to enjoy the moment with me.

If you slap my hand as I pull you closer when you kiss me – be prepared for more than just that raised eyebrow. I might let you get away with it for the moment, and calmly put my hand back up on that cross as directed, but don’t let my ostensible obedience make you complacent. I’m looking for my opportunity to poke the sadist when the sadist is least expecting it.

2017-04-20 19.07.42

I’m not asking to be forced to submit, that’s not my jam, I’m looking for a partner in crime. I’m looking for someone who will play with me. What we do is called play for a reason. If you’re not having fun while you do it, you and I aren’t compatible.

In fact, I’m likely to use my obedience to throw you off. Just when you’ve put me in the “won’t take orders of any kind” box in your brain … I’ll hold my breath on command. It doesn’t hurt that the flame to light my clove keeps going out, so I’m really being selfish in my obedience… *snicker*

My playfulness ramps up more and more as I come to adore people. The ones I love best are the ones I play with most. The ones who respond beautifully to my fickle sense of fun and meet the challenge with mischievous deviousness. 😍

My hand is out to you … and my smirk is firmly in place.


Dream a little dream

I dreamt about you again last night. These days you’re in my dreams more often than not and it’s an odd sensation. I don’t usually remember my dreams and rarely dream about people I actually know in “real life” but you keep invading my psyche.


My mind and my heart can’t process your absence … my soul is bereft. I keep thinking of water metaphors to describe the sensations of grief and maybe all that water on the brain is why I keep crying. Someone mentioned you to me in passing today and … ugh, I’d been holding up so well but once again I fell apart. Each time the pieces of me come back together they try to repair the hole you left but they don’t fit together properly anymore. It’s not really surprising, considering. I didn’t know you long before you were gone but our souls intertwined themselves almost from the get go.


My dreams aren’t all that interesting but they’re everything to me because we’re together. Sometimes we’re cuddling. Sometimes we’re talking and laughing. Sometimes we’re sparring with vim and vigor. Sometimes we’re singing along to a song I haven’t heard in ages, a song that no one has ever recognised when I’ve quoted it, a song that you just happen to have in rotation. Always though, we’re together.


Sometimes my dreams take an idyllic bent. You always felt like home to me and in some dreams I draw strength from you and you from me and together we craft the world we want to live in. Combined, supporting each other, we can move mountains. We draw power from our separate lives and explore wildly knowing we have somewhere safe to return to.

Life goes on. We forge ahead. School has started again and that’s been fun. I’m a titleholder now. I went to my first board meeting today and you would have cracked up at the stories I told about that experience. I’m re-growing my skin, though that is an excruciatingly slow process. I had a yummy strawberry IPA that I wanted to share with you. A friend gave me a rock to hold when I need to remind myself to listen and I think you’d be proud of how I’m learning to use it. I’m topping more and more these days and might even be willing to admit that you were right about the direction in which my path is leading me. I understand more and more what you meant about that one “friend” of mine. I hear your voice in my head when I speak about certain topics – hell, I plagiarise the fuck out of your speeches. I still want to punch you in the face 😉


I love you. I don’t know where you are or what you’re doing. It doesn’t really matter. I’ve lost you.

I’m still holding out my hand.